Monday, March 5, 2012

Morality and Sexual Equity: A Simple Solution

Since we live in time in which we have (Praise the Lord!) come to see that the women (Republicans or Democrats) who use birth control (regardless of the advice of their know-nothing physicians) are sluts, that prenatal testing for things like fatal genetic disorders for babies (that God wants you to have even if you can't afford them and they would be a burden on a society that doesn't want to pay for the disabled, or if it would diminish your ability to care for your other children) is just a new way to make it okay to kill precious babies in the sacred womb, I think that we need to address some other hard facts here. I hope you are sitting down while you read this, because what I'm about to say is harsh.

Fact: Too many people in this country are forgetting that sex is not for pleasure and that God gave us sex only for procreation, not for recreation.

Look at the travesty of Georgetown students who want to testify before congress about lies like stories of a friend who lost an ovary because she couldn't afford the Pill? (When we all know that Sandra Fluke [Fame Hungry Activist] isn't really talking about health issues... we know what she means, because Rush Limbaugh explained it to us and it had nothing to do with this lame excuse that hormonal birth control, that scourge of feminine decency that is like walking around without your hijab on for God's sake! might have uses even in celibate or lesbian women. Come on! Who. Do. They. Think. They. Are. Kidding?)

Well, I think it's time we call a spade a spade. The only real reason for a woman to be using birth control is because she's having sex with a man and not wanting to get pregnant. All this stuff about polycystic ovary syndrome, painful periods that result in loss of work or school time, endometriosis that damages other organs, and such, is just crap. And if the women do have those conditions it was God's will that they suffered and no doubt they will be made better from it. God let doctors and pharmacologists develop contraceptive pills in order to tempt women to emulate Eve's fall from grace. No lie. 

But while we believe fervently in small government and government not getting involved in private lives and a separation of church and state, I think we need to have our US Government do God's work here. 

Proposed Simple Solution (Women's Version): 

Just ban it. Yeah, contraception. Make it illegal! Then nobody's employer or insurer has to pay for it and almost everybody will be happy! Sure the pharma companies are gonna have a fit, but you know, it's the right thing, the moral thing, to do.

I know you're saying "But what am I going to do? How will I explain this to my husband?" (because you're only having sex with your husband, of course, you present slut, but soon to be virtuous and pregnant or virtuous and celibate wife!) So here's the plan. Ladies, if you don't want anymore babies, or if now isn't the right time, just keep your legs closed and tell your husbands that that whole conjugal thing ain't happening because God only made sex available for people to procreate. The only reason to do 'it' is to make more little Christians (or possibly Muslims or Jews or Hindus or...) and future taxpayers who will follow in your virtuous footsteps. (By the way, if you were infertile, sadly you will no longer be allowed to be having slutty sex when you can't make babies, but that's in a little subclause of this law, I'm proposing and I'm not getting into that fine print here.)

But wait a minute. I am not done, am I? I have covered only 50% of the population of adults.

What about you guys out there?

God let doctors and pharmacologists develop Viagra in order to tempt men to emulate Adam's fall from grace. Yeah, that's right. If you're having trouble getting it up to make babies then, of course, that's a different story. But... Hmmm. How to be sure? Got it!

Proposed Simple Solution (Men's Version!):

The only man getting a prescription for Viagra should be a married man. And not just married, but having been shown to have motile sperm of adequate numbers. That's right. Because what the heck are you doing having sex if you're not able to get your wife pregnant? (*Snort* That sounds a lot like slipping on Satan's little pleasure temptation to me there, guys...) So you're going to have to have regular sperm checks in order to get that prescription from now on, okay? Oh, and you're wife has to be gravid, meaning we have to be sure she's still producing eggs so she can get pregnant. It's going to make your prescription a bit pricier in the long run, but let's face it, before the sanctity of God and your medical and pharmacy practitioners, you will be filling the prescription for the right reasons. I bet you're feeling more virtuous just contemplating this!

Oh, and I'm not done.

Since men will only be having that baby-making sex with their wives, just to be sure there is no temptation to use those cute little blue pills out of wedlock, only the wife (with proper ID, of course) will be allowed to pick up and have possession of that prescription. She'll make sure that you're using it for the right reason, at the right time, because she'll be checking her cycle to make sure she can get pregnant when you're having sex. Because otherwise, it might be slipping up and doing it for pleasure. Tsk, tsk.

It's for your own good, sirs. 

Really it is.

And now I'm off to write Marco with my wonderful idea for a new bill before the US Senate!!!

© Bright Nepenthe, 2012

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